Terrible Lizard

I was asked to think about big predators

Things like sharks and alligators

But then I turned to dinosaurs

And top of all the carnivores

Without doubt - the tyrannosaurs

Then a thought popped into my head

Which probably should remain unsaid...

How did the T-Rex

Manage to have sex?

Did these residents of Jurassic Park

Wait until it had got dark?

And should we consider the features 

of the mating rituals of these creatures?

I can't see the T-Rex 

Going in for nibbling necks

So did they find the charms 

Of each other's tiny arms?

(Surely they'd get in a muddle 

going in for a cuddle)

At 40 feet long and eight tons in weight

How on earth did they mate?

Which position

Would have brought their efforts to fruition?

There are enough fossils to show,

They must have given it a good go

What was the question again?

I've lost my thread.

Oh yes, predators - alive or dead

Number one - tyrannosaur 

then underneath...

Great white shark

Because of the teeth

The End of the Pier

That place over there

Socks are required

They don't mind about age

Or the wealth you've acquired

Whether you're young

Or if you're retired

There's only one rule

And that's socks are required

There's no outlawed design

They can be thick or thin

As for the length

Where to begin?

Just cover your ankles

Or halfway up the shin

But you can't be barefooted

If you want to get in

And now you are there

Are you feeling inspired?

Was it something you hoped for?

All you desired?

You might never know

That I stopped and enquired

I'm just glad you remembered

That socks are required

The Story So Far

Early excitement

Small squad proves predictable

'Beamish Line' beckons

(Haiku about Swindon Town in the 2023/24 season)

Breakfast of Champions

Cornflakes or some porridge oats

A pot of tea, a slice of toast

It's the meal that matters most

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Continental choice from your hotel

Cold meat, cheese and fruit as well

I'll slip a pastry in my pocket then I'll say farewell

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Blend fruit and veg for a thick green drink

It keeps me fit and it helps me think

(Although I do pour most of it down the sink)

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

A fry up - king of all cuisines

Bacon, egg, sausage, beans

You find them at all good canteens

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

I woke from a dream within a dream

To a cup of coffee and a Krispy Kreme

It's stops me running out of steam

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Left over takeaway might be nice

Last night's curry or a pizza slice

Remind me - what's the rule on reheating rice?

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Nothing for me thanks - I'm trying to lose weight

Perhaps a quick vape if I'm running late

Ooh - a cling-filmed cake on a paper plate!

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Poem for Guy

I buy vinyl records and know a lot about wine

I'm quite high up in graphic design

I last missed Glasto in 2009

I'm a soulful kind of guy

I don't mind saying hello to strangers

I've been to the football at Queens Park Rangers

I go skiing but respect the dangers

I'm a thoughtful kind of guy

I've got a tattoo up half my arm

I took my niece to a city farm

I saw a man punch a goose so I raised the alarm

I'm a helpful kind of guy

I sometimes have my lunch alfresco

I donate money to UNESCO

I bought some kale but I left it in Tesco

I'm a fashionable kind of guy

Sadly, not much of that is true

Those are some things I'd like to do

I'm just not as brave as you

I'm a fretful kind of guy

But I no longer want to hide

I just need someone by my side

Are you the one who'll be my guide?

I'm a hopeful kind of guy

Remembering That Time (An answer song)

(An answer to Regina Spektor's song That Time. You should really listen to it.)

Whatever did you do with that human tooth you found down on Delancey?

I won't forget the time we kissed anywhere except the mouth

I thought your favourite colours were always pink and green

I remember your fad of only eating tangerines

What were you thinking?

Tangerines!

I remember the time you'd only read Shakespeare. Even Titus Andronicus.

And that time you only read the backs of cereal boxes. Just what is riboflavin?

I try to forget about you and that pigeon with the broken wing

It seemed the whole block was watching as you buried bits of it in that children's playground

We had to leave the next week

I can't believe you weren't sick

I remember something about you wanting to stand for parliament

I thought there was a time when you only wanted to live in Marlborough

Wasn't there a time when you had an obsession with camels?

I remember when you were broke and bummed off our friends

You were broke a lot back then

We lost quite a few of our friends

Bum...

I don't remember the time when I OD'ed

I don't wanna remember the time I OD'ed for the second time

I heard you shouting from the waiting room

I didn't know you thought you could read my mind

Is that why you got clean?

Is that why you left me? 

Thank You for the Roses

'Slow down' they say

'Take time out,

Stop and smell the roses'

But it seems to me 

that only works

for people with functioning noses