Remembering That Time (An answer song)

(An answer to Regina Spektor's song That Time. You should really listen to it.)

Whatever did you do with that human tooth you found down on Delancey?

I won't forget the time we kissed anywhere except the mouth

I thought your favourite colours were always pink and green

I remember your fad of only eating tangerines

What were you thinking?

Tangerines!

I remember the time you'd only read Shakespeare. Even Titus Andronicus.

And that time you only read the backs of cereal boxes. Just what is riboflavin?

I try to forget about you and that pigeon with the broken wing

It seemed the whole block was watching as you buried bits of it in that children's playground

We had to leave the next week

I can't believe you weren't sick

I remember something about you wanting to stand for parliament

I thought there was a time when you only wanted to live in Marlborough

Wasn't there a time when you had an obsession with camels?

I remember when you were broke and bummed off our friends

You were broke a lot back then

We lost quite a few of our friends

Bum...

I don't remember the time when I OD'ed

I don't wanna remember the time I OD'ed for the second time

I heard you shouting from the waiting room

I didn't know you thought you could read my mind

Is that why you got clean?

Is that why you left me? 

Thank You for the Roses

'Slow down' they say

'Take time out,

Stop and smell the roses'

But it seems to me 

that only works

for people with functioning noses

If at First

I entered the Japanese Cheese Contest

And was thrilled to finish third

I might have done even better

If I'd been gentler with the curd.

Then at the Marmalade Festival

The judges tried to be kind

But I knew as well as they did

Something was wrong with the rind.

I thought my giant onion

Would win 'Biggest Vegetable' prize

But some of the other entries

Were four, five or six times the size.

It was at the Spoken Word gala

When my poem won the cup!

(Can we keep it our little secret

That nobody else turned up?)

Birthday poem for someone called Neil

Happy birthday Neil

Do you like the colour teal?

You’d look good in it I feel 

On your birthday

What presents do you have Neil?

A carbon fibre wheel?

Perhaps a glockenspiel

For your birthday

What have you got planned Neil?

Going for a meal?

I hope the gravy won’t congeal

On your birthday

Perhaps you’ve gone away Neil

To Kent, maybe to Deal

Or further south, to Lille

For your birthday

Or a cosy day at home Neil

You could watch 'Ally McBeal'

Or the old 'Sapphire and Steel'

On your birthday

I think that’s enough Neil

I expect you’re tired of all this guff Neil

You just do your stuff Neil

It’s your birthday!

This is not The Treachery of Images

This is not a pipe

This is not a drill

This is not a love song

This is not America

This is not a VAT receipt

This is not happening

This is not what I expected

This is the day

This is pop.

(Found poem with painting titles, song titles and other things starting with 'this is not' and 'this is'. If I stumble across any more they'll be added in.)

In a Gin Bar

I was in a gin bar
not drinking gin.
That's not my thing,
I, I'm more of a pint kind of guy.

In fact, not many in 

were drinking gin.
The favourite plonk 

was Sauvignon Blanc.

The barman, who was French and wore a nose ring
was operating
in an 'it's my first day' 

kind of way.

He was struggling with the till
couldn't find any Peroni or still water

both items in the same order.

The next lady in the queue had a question 

about the Sauvignon.

She must have had a reason

To ask is 'it from New Zealand?'

The barman, (I think his name was Lilian)
instantly replied: 'No, it's Chilean.'

At this point, to my frustration
I lost track of the conversation
I must have been distracted
Because I don't know how the lady reacted

If she said yes it shows she was fine 

with New World wine.

So why ask in the first place

If there's not that much difference in taste?

Or perhaps, in hindsight,

She might have agreed to be polite.

But did she say 'no'?

Maybe choose a Bordeaux.

Or just turn on her heels and go?

We'll never know.

Part Company

It would be nice to make a dignified exit

No kicking, no screaming

No praying, no pleading

We can't be together and so

Say a few words then I'll go

It would be nice to make a dignified exit

Don't feel diminished

Because it has finished

My heart

Knows it's the right time to depart

It would be nice to make a dignified exit

Don't feel bereft

About the fact I have left

Try to smile

You won't notice I've gone in a while

It would be nice to make a dignified exit

I shouldn't be grieving

when it's me that is leaving

but I know

it's the right time to let go.

Reward & Revelation

I don't think I have the nerve

To say I've got what I deserve

This answer might be deemed a fudge

But I don't think it's for me to judge

--

I can't be described as 'go-getting'

So I've not been one for goal setting

In fact I probably should confess

I want to help other people to their success

Hold on a minute, bless my soul!

Looks like I made myself a goal.

--

(Two poems written from Write Club homework topic of Goal Setting and "Do you have all that you deserve?')

An English Spring

The first signs of spring

Council-planted crocuses

Or is it croci?

Shiny Happy People

When I feel down

If there's too much bad news

I put on the first album

by The B-52s.

Valentine's Poem for Hairdresser

Circles are round

Squares are er... square

Thank you so much

For cutting my hair

The Grandfather Clock

The grandfather clock struck 5pm and what happened next was... unexpected.

Nothing happened. The door to the drawing room didn't open. The famous German detective did not walk in, take centre stage, sum up the case and name the murderer of the Duchess of Northwich.

The Duke and his guests continued to wait patiently but after a couple of minutes the nervous coughs and fidgeting started. The first person to speak was the sleuth's friend and confidante Henry Bromyard who said: "Well this is most out of character. I've known him 15 years and he hasn't been late for anything."

At five past five the exasperated Duke shouted: "Where is the awful man?" His next outburst was directed at the butler. "Channon, find him and bring him here at once. I will not be kept waiting in my own house." The butler bowed and left the room.

Ten minutes later the butler returned, alone. "Where is he then?" spluttered the master of the house.

"I have been unable to find Herr Bonhof your Lordship", replied the butler. "What do you mean, 'unable to find' him?" the increasingly-irritated Duke fired back.

"Sir, the gentleman appears to be missing."

--

(Write Club homework based on the phrase 'The grandfather clock struck 5pm and what happened next was')