If at First

I entered the Japanese Cheese Contest

And was thrilled to finish third

I might have done even better

If I'd been gentler with the curd.

Then at the Marmalade Festival

The judges tried to be kind

But I knew as well as they did

Something was wrong with the rind.

I thought my giant onion

Would win 'Biggest Vegetable' prize

But some of the other entries

Were four, five or six times the size.

It was at the Spoken Word gala

When my poem won the cup!

(Can we keep it our little secret

That nobody else turned up?)

Birthday poem for someone called Neil

Happy birthday Neil

Do you like the colour teal?

You’d look good in it I feel 

On your birthday

What presents do you have Neil?

A carbon fibre wheel?

Perhaps a glockenspiel

For your birthday

What have you got planned Neil?

Going for a meal?

I hope the gravy won’t congeal

On your birthday

Perhaps you’ve gone away Neil

To Kent, maybe to Deal

Or further south, to Lille

For your birthday

Or a cosy day at home Neil

You could watch 'Ally McBeal'

Or the old 'Sapphire and Steel'

On your birthday

I think that’s enough Neil

I expect you’re tired of all this guff Neil

You just do your stuff Neil

It’s your birthday!

This is not The Treachery of Images

This is not a pipe

This is not a drill

This is not a love song

This is not America

This is not a VAT receipt

This is not happening

This is not what I expected

This is the day

This is pop.

(Found poem with painting titles, song titles and other things starting with 'this is not' and 'this is'. If I stumble across any more they'll be added in.)