Everyday People

I met a man who had a bag of Fish, Blood and Bone

I asked him why on earth he was taking it home

He said: "This will probably sound peculiar

but I put it on the garden, to help the petunias."

Queuing for the bus and the man in front of me

Had the biggest tub of mealworms you ever could see

He must have seen my face, (I was lost for words)

He told me: "Most are for my fishing, the rest are for the birds."

The next week I saw a man and he had a new broom

I said: "Are you going to sweep your living room?"

He looked at me, inhaled, then whistled

And said: "No, it's for outside. Look, it's got stiff bristles."

A man got on the bus with a thin piece of wood

It was long as well, maybe seven or eight foot

I didn't speak to him so I can't be certain

But I'm fairly sure it was a rail for a curtain.

Stood in the line another man on his own

Couldn't take his eyes off his mobile phone

If he'd lifted his head and turned off the screen

Those are all the things he might have seen.

(bonus verse for football fans)

Walking towards me came a man

I thought 'that looks like Ilkay Gundogan'

It wasn't of course, which was a pity 

Because I love the way he plays for Manchester City

The End of the Pier

That place over there

Socks are required

They don't mind about age

Or the wealth you've acquired

Whether you're young

Or if you're retired

There's only one rule

And that's socks are required

There's no outlawed design

They can be thick or thin

As for the length

Where to begin?

Just cover your ankles

Or halfway up the shin

But you can't be barefooted

If you want to get in

And now you are there

Are you feeling inspired?

Was it something you hoped for?

All you desired?

You might never know

That I stopped and enquired

I'm just glad you remembered

That socks are required

The Ilfracombe Nine

The Avengers? Overrated.
The Famous Five? Fine.
If you want real heroes try the Ilfracombe Nine.

Nine teed off, nine finished eighteen
But what happened in between?

The forecast was grim, there were no ifs
It would be rough on the Ilfracombe cliffs.
The bloke in the Pro Shop, he had no doubt
‘Sure, take a buggy - but the glass might blow out’.
The wind was howling as we stood on the first
We all suspected it would get worse.

It did.

The rain started gently, like the hotel shower
(cold, and no power)
Then someone turned on the taps
The rain found the gaps down the neck, through the hat
(Water’s like that)
Soon it seeped through the shoes
Then the trousers (bad news!)
The scorecards were like a damp rag
As was the stuff in your golf bag
The people in glasses struggled to see
I should know, one of them was me.

But no one gave up, no one walked off
Which poses the question, are we daft or tough?
(We’d have given up on another day but the clubhouse was too far away.)

The scores were much lower but it hardly mattered
The Ilfracombe Nine were totally shattered
It was much later when our very own Vorders
Read out the scores in no particular order.

An exceptional day, it was so strange
That for future Tours the rules will be changed
Fighting the course, getting throughly wet
This is one round we’ll never forget.
So fill up your glass, your choice, beer or wine
And let’s raise a toast to the Ilfracombe Nine.