Everyday People

I met a man who had a bag of Fish, Blood and Bone

I asked him why on earth he was taking it home

He said: "This will probably sound peculiar

but I put it on the garden, to help the petunias."

Queuing for the bus and the man in front of me

Had the biggest tub of mealworms you ever could see

He must have seen my face, (I was lost for words)

He told me: "Most are for my fishing, the rest are for the birds."

The next week I saw a man and he had a new broom

I said: "Are you going to sweep your living room?"

He looked at me, inhaled, then whistled

And said: "No, it's for outside. Look, it's got stiff bristles."

A man got on the bus with a thin piece of wood

It was long as well, maybe seven or eight foot

I didn't speak to him so I can't be certain

But I'm fairly sure it was a rail for a curtain.

Stood in the line another man on his own

Couldn't take his eyes off his mobile phone

If he'd lifted his head and turned off the screen

Those are all the things he might have seen.

(bonus verse for football fans)

Walking towards me came a man

I thought 'that looks like Ilkay Gundogan'

It wasn't of course, which was a pity 

Because I love the way he plays for Manchester City

Tortoise, House, Question Mark

There was a mystery on Field Street.

No one knew how a tortoise had come to own number 45. 

The excitement when the 'Sold' sign went up was quickly followed by head-scratching when a workman made the cat-flaps bigger and added ramps at the front and back of the house. Since then, there was certainly no sign of any human that lived there. 

A cleaner popped in once in a while and the gardener would appear occasionally to mow the lawn but despite all the curtain-twitching and Neighbourhood Watch there was no sign of anyone else. Apart from the tortoise.

When some post was accidentally put through the door of number 43 the owner was surprised to see it was addressed to 'A.Tortoise'. Like I say, a mystery. 

It's not like you can ask the tortoise. None of the neighbours knew any sort of language that might be useful in communicating with the tortoise. And if the tortoise knew how to converse with humans it wasn't letting on.

The neighbours would be polite of course. Always saying hello and giving a cheery wave to the tortoise when it was in the garden, munching on some greenery or other.

The passers-by were convinced that the tortoise acknowledged them in return with a nod or tilt of its head but only the tortoise would know that for sure.

If there had been a way to communicate with the tortoise the neighbours would have got a very simple answer.

The tortoise was very good at managing its money.

I was a Teenage Bond Girl

I was a Teenage Bond Girl

Sean Connery looked at me twice

When the other girls asked me what it was like

I said 'it was kinda nice'

I was a Teenage Bond Girl

I auditioned for Miss Taro

I didn't get the part so I had to start

As an extra in 'Dr No'

I was a Teenage Bond Girl

And also in 'Doctor Who'

I barely feature but I was some kind of creature

In Series Three, Episode Two

I was a Teenage Bond Girl

I was in other things too you know

I had a scene in 'Dixon of Dock Green'

And the 'Island of Dr Moreau'

I was a Teenage Bond Girl

But the photos are starting to fade

And it's hard to recall the thrill of it all

And the memories that we made

I was a Teenage Bond Girl

The highlight of my career

And though it seems rotten, that'll soon be forgotten

When I'm gone, that will all disappear

I was a Teenage Bond Girl

But all that is long in the past

And if we can't be sure that these things will endure

Let's enjoy them while they last

Twice

The alleyway behind the shop had suffered a flood

I was tiptoeing through water and dodging mud

Ten yards away or maybe less than that

Across the pathway shot a rat!

On the way home, before the next lot of rain

I could not believe my eyes, I saw a rat again!

So I've got a question and I'll keep it concise

Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

Oh, they were so much bigger than mice

Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

I only went to buy some basmati rice

Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

Perhaps I'll have to ask Citizen's Advice

Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

Handmade

There's a mystery object in our town

It's causing quite a to-do

Even the experts are baffled

We've only got one clue...

Handmade

It was handmade

A friend of a friend knew a man whose boss 

said he found it at a disused arcade

The owner of the crystal shop 

said that she was convinced 

that it must have belonged to a mermaid - and washed up on the promenade

Handmade

It was handmade

Was it from a ritual for the people of the Everglades

Or something you 'd be wearing if invited to a masquerade?

A retired colonel told me 

that he thought it might be weapons grade

Someone was so terrified they hid behind a barricade

Handmade

It was handmade

Is it a support for when you have a broken shoulder blade?

Although there is the possibility it was once used by a dairymaid

I remember something like it 

from when I used to go to church parade

(I don't tell everyone I meet but I was in the Boys Brigade)

Handmade

It was handmade

If we find out what it is we'll have to organise a cavalcade

And if there's any money left we'll all have toast and marmalade!

Terrible Lizard

I was asked to think about big predators

Things like sharks and alligators

But then I turned to dinosaurs

And top of all the carnivores

Without doubt - the tyrannosaurs

Then a thought popped into my head

Which probably should remain unsaid...

How did the T-Rex

Manage to have sex?

Did these residents of Jurassic Park

Wait until it had got dark?

And should we consider the features 

of the mating rituals of these creatures?

I can't see the T-Rex 

Going in for nibbling necks

So did they find the charms 

Of each other's tiny arms?

(Surely they'd get in a muddle 

going in for a cuddle)

At 40 feet long and eight tons in weight

How on earth did they mate?

Which position

Would have brought their efforts to fruition?

There are enough fossils to show,

They must have given it a good go

What was the question again?

I've lost my thread.

Oh yes, predators - alive or dead

Number one - tyrannosaur 

then underneath...

Great white shark

Because of the teeth

The End of the Pier

That place over there

Socks are required

They don't mind about age

Or the wealth you've acquired

Whether you're young

Or if you're retired

There's only one rule

And that's socks are required

There's no outlawed design

They can be thick or thin

As for the length

Where to begin?

Just cover your ankles

Or halfway up the shin

But you can't be barefooted

If you want to get in

And now you are there

Are you feeling inspired?

Was it something you hoped for?

All you desired?

You might never know

That I stopped and enquired

I'm just glad you remembered

That socks are required