Breakfast of Champions

Cornflakes or some porridge oats

A pot of tea, a slice of toast

It's the meal that matters most

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Continental choice from your hotel

Cold meat, cheese and fruit as well

I'll slip a pastry in my pocket then I'll say farewell

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Blend fruit and veg for a thick green drink

It keeps me fit and it helps me think

(Although I do pour most of it down the sink)

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

A fry up - king of all cuisines

Bacon, egg, sausage, beans

You find them at all good canteens

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

I woke from a dream within a dream

To a cup of coffee and a Krispy Kreme

It's stops me running out of steam

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Left over takeaway might be nice

Last night's curry or a pizza slice

Remind me - what's the rule on reheating rice?

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Nothing for me thanks - I'm trying to lose weight

Perhaps a quick vape if I'm running late

Ooh - a cling-filmed cake on a paper plate!

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

If at First

I entered the Japanese Cheese Contest

And was thrilled to finish third

I might have done even better

If I'd been gentler with the curd.

I thought my massive marrow

Would win the 'Biggest Vegetable' prize

But some of the other entries

Were four, five or six times the size.

Then at the Marmalade Festival

The judges tried to be kind

But I knew as well as they did

Something was wrong with the rind.

I trained my shetland sheepdog

to win the agility class

I thought we were going to do it

Until I slipped and fell on my face

It was at the Spoken Word gala

When my poem won the cup!

(Can we keep it our little secret

That nobody else turned up?)

Birthday poem for someone called Neil

Happy birthday Neil

Do you like the colour teal?

You’d look good in it I feel 

On your birthday

What presents do you have Neil?

A carbon fibre wheel?

Perhaps a glockenspiel

For your birthday

What have you got planned Neil?

Going for a meal?

I hope the gravy won’t congeal

On your birthday

Perhaps you’ve gone away Neil

To Kent, maybe to Deal

Or further south, to Lille

For your birthday

Or a cosy day at home Neil

You could watch 'Ally McBeal'

Or the old 'Sapphire and Steel'

On your birthday

I think that’s enough Neil

I expect you’re tired of all this guff Neil

You just do your stuff Neil

It’s your birthday!

This is not The Treachery of Images

This is not a pipe

This is not a drill

This is not a love song

This is not America

This is not a VAT receipt

This is not happening

This is not what I expected

This is the day

This is pop.

(Found poem with painting titles, song titles and other things starting with 'this is not' and 'this is'. If I stumble across any more they'll be added in.)

The Microscope

One Christmas, many years ago
(I think that I was nine or so)
my biggest Christmas present hope
came true. I had a microscope!

We set it up. My dad and I'd
put a hair under the slide
I focused in and what was there?
It was a slightly bigger hair.

I looked again and I could see
the microscope was not for me.

Have I been good?

I've brushed my teeth, the way I should
For the last six months. Have I been good?

Do I need a filling or extraction
which would provoke a sad reaction

The dentist prods, there is no pain
Have I managed to escape again?

But then she finally says, with gravity
"Upper left six, occlusal cavity."

Brazil 2014 facts

(Copied across from another blog I'm closing down)

(None of these are true - but they were posted on Twitter in 2014)

In the 1966 World Cup the Soviet Union took their own dugout to matches believing that the ones at the grounds were bugged.

Brazil boss Felipe Scolari is fascinated by the statues on Easter Island. He visits every year & is writing a book about them.

The pennants exchanged before World Cup games are given to FIFA's Museum of Pennants in Zurich which is not open to the public

Just Fontaine's prize for being the top goalscorer at the 1958 tournament was six chickens and a static caravan in Gothenburg.

When a teenager, Belgium's Axel Witsel was caught making a crop circle in a field near Antwerp. He was let off with a caution.

Martin Keown is such a fan of Desperate Dan that He's copied his beard and only eats cow pies.

The sand on copacabana beach is flown in from Ramsgate, Kent. It is GB's third biggest export after Top Gear and Doctor Who.

In 1994 a fast food chain spent $12m developing the McSoccerburger. They were unable to develop a bun to sit on the spherical meat patty and the idea was scrapped. (via @efmyoung)

USA midfielder Brad Davis is such a fan of Scooby-Doo that he has a van painted exactly like the Mystery Machine. In his spare time he drives it to old houses, derelict mines and abandoned amusement parks.

1978 World Cup hero Mario Kempes hosted a TV show called 'In the kitchen with Kempes' but it was cancelled after two series.

Adam Lallana won a fancy dress competition when on holiday at Camber Sands at the age of four. He dressed as Captain Birdseye.

Until their loss to the Dutch, Spain had completed 10,142 consecutive, uninterrupted passes in world cups. (via @freekymunky)

Former USA defender Alexei Lalas now writes romantic fiction for Mills & Boon under the pen-name Valerie Fairfax.

The most expensive Panini sticker is a 1970 Wolfgang Overath which sold for £650 (plus fees) at Sotheby's in 2011.

France boss Didier Deschamps collects astronaut memorabilia. His top item? A pair of Buzz Aldrin's shoes.

Uruguay striker Edinson Cavani is an accomplished bassoon player and turned down a place with the Montevideo Concert Orchestra

Chile keeper Claudio Bravo funds a goat sanctuary in his home town of Viluco.

The 1930 tournament only had three quarter-finals due to an administrative mix-up.

UEFA bigwig Michel Platini is a self-made millionaire thanks to his dental hygiene invention, the flossing harp.

The statue of Christ the Redeemer is hollow apart from the left arm which holds frozen local foodstuffs in case of shortages.

Sepp Blatter keeps the World Cup trophy with him and flakes bits off onto his breakfast. He believes it helps with his long-life and virility.

Rio Ferdinand was named after the Duran Duran song, not the place.

Candy Shrimps - a potted history

(Copied across from another blog I'm closing down - originally posted 18 January 2015)

The Candy Shrimp (squilla spuma) is a small sea creature that is now eaten as a confectionery item but played a bigger part in the British diet and history up until the late 19th century.

The shrimp lives mainly as every other shrimp but emits a foam as a defence mechanism when challenged by a predator. This foam is unpleasant to other marine creatures but has a delightful fruit flavour for humans. The foam dissolves in water after a few hours and the shrimp continues its life but if taken from water in its foamy state it will solidify and die.

Records show that it was first fished off the east coast of Britain in the early 1500s. Poor coastal dwellers would go to the beach at low tide and find the shrimps that had been caught out by the receding waters and left on the beach. As travel links improved so did the commercial reach of the shrimp.

The first known literary reference to candy shrimps is from the great Scottish bard Robert Burns (1759-1796) in his 'Ode to Things that Live in the Sea':
"Oooh, shrimpy.
Yur wee, pink, foamy body tastes guid to me."

(Although some scholars believe William Shakespeare's famous tragedy Macbeth is based on the battle for control of the lucrative candy shrimp market from Scotland into England in the late 1500's.*)

The industrial revolution brought the candy shrimp to the masses and the price fell dramatically as a result. Improved fishing techniques dredging the shrimp beds off of the east coast and the introduction of the railways meant that the shrimps were moving across Britain in their tons.

Author Henry Mayhew wrote about it in his seminal work on life on the margins in Victorian times 'London Labour and the London Poor'. Costermongers in the 1850s were complaining about the fall in price while it was thought that candy shrimps were making up 40% of some of the poorest Londoners' diets.

The Government's Poor Law Board passed an amendment in 1864 stating that candy shrimps were no longer to be used in the gruel served in workhouses as it was too flavoursome and not enough of a deterrent to keep people out.

The collapse of the candy shrimp price ultimately led to its decline. The fishing fleets found that it was no longer worth their while dredging for the shrimp with profit margins so small and turned their attention to supplying the new craze for fish and chips.

This sudden rarity and price increase moved the shrimp back into the dining rooms of the middle classes but the fatal blow to its popularity came in 1885. British hero General Charles Gordon had been under siege in Khartoum for several months and messages sent out of the city had simply said: 'Send reinforcements - and candy shrimps'.

The relieving party (and shrimps) arrived too late. Gordon had been killed by the army of the Mahdi two days before. Gordon was feted as a hero but the shrimps were tainted as a symbol of defeat. Tourists to Khartoum have been known to leave candy shrimps on the steps where Gordon is believed to have fallen.

That would have been the end of the story but for the 'candy shrimp wars' between Britain and Iceland in the 1970s. The television news brought pictures of fishing boats and battleships clashing in the disputed candy shrimp fishing grounds into the UK's living rooms.

During the conflict the candy shrimp and the eating of it became a symbol of British patriotism and support for our fishermen. Although the 'candy shrimp wars, were ultimately lost they reinvigorated an interest in the creature that lives into the pick and mix jars of today.

*But they are generally accepted to be mad.

Death of a Gladioli Waver

Last night I dreamt that Morrissey died
I wasn't sad, I hadn't cried
Now he means much less to me
Than, say, in 1993

For me, since 'Your Arsenal'
He hasn't done much good at all
(No wait, there is one thing, I'm sorry
I do enjoy 'You Are the Quarry')

The songs that live on in my head
Like 'Jeane', 'Asleep', 'The Queen is Dead',
Morrissey's best work by far,
Were co-written with Johnny Marr

Does he think his best work's in the past?
His career now going nowhere fast
It seems so strange how someone can
Become a less than charming man
And risk his musical legacy
By embracing notoriety
Knowing only controversial views
Are all that get him in the news

One delicious irony
About this dream that came to me
Morrissey wasn't alive to see
Everyone talking about Morrissey.

Valentine Shmalentine

Roses are red
My name isn't Steve
Today in our house
Is called Birthday Eve

Cold

Jumping up and down
waiting for kettle to boil
in a cold kitchen