Weapon of Choice (one)

People just want more and more
Don’t let them get to you
Make that change, let’s start today
You know you can do it if you try

Breathe in

Like the calm before the storm
You're the sun and as you shine on me

I won’t let you down

All the vampires, walkin' through the valley
Turning into voodoo
May the last one burn into flames
We got a thousand points of light


(All lines taken from the following songs)

Title – Weapon of Choice – Fatboy Slim (2001)

Freed from Desire – Gala (1997)
Free Me – Joss Stone (2009)
Free – Ultra Naté (1997)
Set Me Free – The Kinks (1965)

Freedom – Pharrell Williams (2015)

Free to Fall – Debbie Harry (1987)
I Feel Free – Cream (1966)

Freedom! ‘90 – George Michael (1990)

Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty (1989)
I’m So Free – Beck (2017)
Freedom – Beyoncé ft Kendrick Lamar (2016)
Rockin’ in the Free World – Neil Young (1989)

Reasons be to Cheerful (by me)

(with apologies to Ian Dury and the Blockheads)

Time with family, paddling in the sea,

Sport on the tv and autumn trees.

Interesting places, a drink with friendly faces,

Cheltenham races, cheese.

Staying late in bed, warm, fresh bread

Bill & Ted, seeing an eclipse.

Records by The Fall, being rather tall,

Fantasy football, fish and chips

Making people laugh, a hot deep bath

Time and a half, Italian food

Birds of prey, Manta Ray

Christmas Day and gratitude.

Kerala fish curry, not being in a hurry

Or having to worry, mid-eighties Prince.

A goal scored on the volley, Stan and Ollie

not needing a brolly and chocolate mints.

Reasons to be cheerful (by me)

Reasons to be cheerful (one, two, three)

Feeling safe and warm, a good thunderstorm

Frank Sidebottom

Supermarionation, World Wrestling Federation,

knowing a quiz question

A quiet time reading, occasionally succeeding

Not getting caught for speeding

Hitting a one-eighty, taking it sedately

meat that’s wrapped in pastry

Listening to the wireless, not getting the virus

Random acts of kindness

Walking in fresh snow, all kinds of potato

John, Paul, George and Ringo

An art gallery, Mandy next to me,

Cake and mug of tea.

A long weekend, a little cash to spend

Getting to the end!

Reasons to be cheerful (by me)

Reasons to be cheerful (one, two, three)

The Big Zoo Census or How many geckos?

(version one - for lockdown challenge)

They're having a census at my local zoo
They're asking for volunteers
I love the idea of an animal count
I've wanted to do it for years

They've chosen me, I'm happy to say
They asked: "What would you like to do?"
I said: "Count the lizards, if I may.
If that's ok with you."

It’s easy to imagine
That I’ll see a bearded dragon
Chameleon and iguana too
I’ll have to count all those
As well as the geckos
I’m monitoring the lizards in the zoo

I shall hurtle past the turtle
And go flying past the lion
I won't stop for the rhinoceros or gnu
I don't want elephant or mouse
I'll be in the reptile house
When I'm monitoring the lizards in the zoo

I can’t even stop and gander
At four types of salamander
I’m not interested in skunk or kangaroo
The sea-lions and the otters
You can keep them I'm not bothered
Because I'm monitoring the lizards in the zoo

I've got my clipboard out
And now it's time to start the count…

I think
I saw all the skink
But there is a risk
That I might have missed a basilisk
As for how many geckos?
Heck knows!

(version two - for Searchlight competition)

They're counting the creatures at my local zoo

They're asking for volunteers

I’d love a chance of joining in 

I've wanted to do it for years

Some animals struggle to live in the wild

Their land is dry and burned

They’re looked after in our zoo

Until it’s safe to be returned

They've chosen me, I'm happy to say

They asked: "What would you like to do?"

I said: "Count the lizards, if I may

If that's alright with you"

I shall hurtle past the turtle

And go flying past the lion

I’ll have to skip the skunk and kangaroo

I won’t count elephant or mouse

I'll be in the reptile house

I’m monitoring the lizards in the zoo

I won’t have time to stop and gander

At four types of salamander

I’ll wave at the rhinoceros and gnu

They’ll need a different spotter

For the sea-lions and the otters

Because I'm monitoring the lizards in the zoo

It’s easy to imagine

That I’ll see a bearded dragon

Chameleon and iguana too

I’ll have to count all those

As well as the geckos

When I’m monitoring the lizards in the zoo

I've got my clipboard out

And now it's time to start the count…

I think

I saw all the skink

But there is a risk

I might have missed a basilisk

How many geckos?

I’ll need you to check those

Go back and see

If you get the same number as me

Games Without Frontiers

Make money in London or solve a crime?
Why not do them both at the same time?
Choose which token you want to be
And let’s all play Cluenopoly!

Professor Plum walks down the Strand
Is that a dagger I see in his hand?
He’d go to jail if it was up to me
It’s fun to play Cluenopoly.

Do I always get £200
Every time I pass the lounge?
I’ve won a beauty contest in the conservatory
It’s confusing, this Cluenopoly.

I don’t know whodunnit, I admit I’m at a loss
Was that Mrs Peacock that I saw at King’s Cross?
Is it Rev. Green, top hat, Electric company?
Nope, I haven’t won Cluenopoly.

Don’t roll the dice, there’s some money I’m owed
I own the Billiard Room, Miss Scarlett and the Old Kent Road
That cash will stave off bankruptcy
I’ve still got a chance in Cluenopoly.

I understand the game has got its quirks
But could the killer really be the Water Works?
It seems a little bit odd to me
Are you sure you know the rules to Cluenopoly?

How are you allowed to take out a loan
To build a railway from the kitchen to Marylebone?
I don’t care if it’s called HS3
I hope you’re not cheating at Cluenopoly?

Hold on a minute, it’s definitely not right
You’ve built two houses on Mrs White
I've got free parking down the hidden stairs
A rope’s been arrested in Leicester Square
There must be something that we can watch on tv
Anything but play Cluenopoly!

Spring 2

Spring is the months from March to May
(At least that’s what meteorologists say
It doesn’t work for everyone
There’s also transit of the sun
Though now it seems unorthodox
To use the vernal equinox)

There are new beginnings, things start to bloom
In the corner of our living room
I’m not talking flowers as you might have thought
No, spring’s a great time of year for sport.

In Formula One it’s ‘Go, go, go’
From Australia through to Monaco

Milan-San Remo, Paris-Roubaix
Cycling classics of one day

Can we pick the winner of the National?
By name, a pin or something rational

Attack the flags, avoid disasters
Who’ll win the jacket at golf’s Masters?

In Sheffield’s Crucible for 16 days
We’ll watch the battles on green baize

Cricket returns, dig out your whites
Play limited overs under lights

May brings the final of the FA Cup
And the end of the leagues, who’s down? Who’s up?

But this year to see these athletes
We have to tune in to repeats
All we can do is persevere
And hope to have a spring next year.

Spring

I exert force in proportion to extension
I can be constant, torsion or compression

Cantilever, coil, flat or machined
I’m in jewellery clasps and in trampolines

Serpentine or garter, volute or leaf
(That’s enough types of spring, good grief!)

I’m in your watches, I’m in your locks
I’m in your car, I absorb your shocks

I make pens work when you give them a click
Without me there’s no pogo stick

I’m in your sofas and in your chairs
I’m a slinky going downstairs

Well, that’s my spring poem but I fear
I might have got the wrong idea

Four 'Guess the Musicals' haiku

1.

Great and Powerful
Or just a frightened old man
Behind a curtain

--
2.

A wager is struck
Flower girl becomes Duchess
Becomes unhappy

--
3.

Love in the gold rush
Two husbands, one too many
Time to go wan’drin

--
4.

A 1950s
Romeo and Juliet
In New York City

Cooking the Books

Having thought, it seems to me
That books are like a recipe
You take some words, mix them about
And then a story might fall out.

I’ve stirred up some letters, added some spaces
Put punctuation in approximate places
It’s been in the oven as if it were cake
Now is the time to see if it’s half-baked…

Food is best shared, so when we are able
We’ll ask some of our friends to sit at our table.

A cat in a hat,
A fox in his socks
And the Lorax will be invited
Plus Horton,
A Who
And Things One and Two
(If they don’t get over-excited.)

Our storybook dish will start with some fish
Shall we have
One or two? 
Will they be
Red or blue?
I’m going to leave that up to you.

(If it needs seasoning take a pinch
Of something cheeky called The Grinch.)

Our main course will be eggs and ham
And if you’re really keen
The favourite kind of eggs and ham
Is when they’re purest green.

Serve with a glass of Oobleck juice
And enjoy your taste of Dr Seuss.

On the Beach

I start my walk along the beach
The water’s edge just out of reach
Past sandcastles that have been made
With plastic bucket and a spade.

Ice cream is wiped from toddlers’ lips
A seagull swoops to steal some chips
Deckchairs ripple in the breeze
I see ‘kiss me quick’ hats and knobbly knees.

If you stop and wait awhile
A man’s pursued by crocodile
(He does escape if you don’t know
It’s just the Punch and Judy show).

The pier is where I turn around
Up above me is the sound
Of arcade games and fairground rides
The helter-skelter and the slides.

Anglers perch in dribs and drabs
Hoping to land fish or crabs,
A crowd of people stand agog
And watch a frisbee-catching dog.

I love the sand and how it moves
How it feels beneath my hooves
For I’m the donkey that was missed
Off this seaside cliché list.