Handmade

There's a mystery object in our town

It's causing quite a to-do

Even the experts are baffled

We've only got one clue...

Handmade

It was handmade

A friend of a friend knew a man whose boss 

said he found it at a disused arcade

The owner of the crystal shop 

said that she was convinced 

that it must have belonged to a mermaid - and washed up on the promenade

Handmade

It was handmade

Was it from a ritual for the people of the Everglades

Or something you 'd be wearing if invited to a masquerade?

A retired colonel told me 

that he thought it might be weapons grade

Someone was so terrified they hid behind a barricade

Handmade

It was handmade

Is it a support for when you have a broken shoulder blade?

Although there is the possibility it was once used by a dairymaid

I remember something like it 

from when I used to go to church parade

(I don't tell everyone I meet but I was in the Boys Brigade)

Handmade

It was handmade

If we find out what it is we'll have to organise a cavalcade

And if there's any money left we'll all have toast and marmalade!

Breakfast of Champions

Cornflakes or some porridge oats

A pot of tea, a slice of toast

It's the meal that matters most

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Continental choice from your hotel

Cold meat, cheese and fruit as well

I'll slip a pastry in my pocket then I'll say farewell

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Blend fruit and veg for a thick green drink

It keeps me fit and it helps me think

(Although I do pour most of it down the sink)

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

A fry up - king of all cuisines

Bacon, egg, sausage, beans

You find them at all good canteens

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

I woke from a dream within a dream

To a cup of coffee and a Krispy Kreme

It's stops me running out of steam

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Left over takeaway might be nice

Last night's curry or a pizza slice

Remind me - what's the rule on reheating rice?

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Nothing for me thanks - I'm trying to lose weight

Perhaps a quick vape if I'm running late

Ooh - a cling-filmed cake on a paper plate!

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Poem for Guy

I buy vinyl records and know a lot about wine

I'm quite high up in graphic design

I last missed Glasto in 2009

I'm a soulful kind of guy

I don't mind saying hello to strangers

I've been to the football at Queens Park Rangers

I go skiing but respect the dangers

I'm a thoughtful kind of guy

I've got a tattoo up half my arm

I took my niece to a city farm

I saw a man punch a goose so I raised the alarm

I'm a helpful kind of guy

I sometimes have my lunch alfresco

I donate money to UNESCO

I bought some kale but I left it in Tesco

I'm a fashionable kind of guy

Sadly, not much of that is true

Those are some things I'd like to do

I'm just not as brave as you

I'm a fretful kind of guy

But I no longer want to hide

I just need someone by my side

Are you the one who'll be my guide?

I'm a hopeful kind of guy

This is the Day

Today the colours seem more clear

than they usually are round here.

The lime green shade of ivy leaves,

emerald tones deep in the trees.

Hawthorn berries, glowing red

while pure white snowdrops raise their head.

Today I realised I heard

songs of many different birds

A collared dove calls out its name

I hear a chiffchaff do the same,

the 'electronics' of the starling

a blackbird's voice, so clear and sparkling.

Today I opened up my eyes

and saw cotton wool cumulus floating by,

cirrus streaks on azure blue,

contrails of aircraft passing through.

I don't know what broke the spell.

Today I noticed I feel well.

(Poem based on the 'Take Notice' strand of the Five Ways to Wellbeing.)

The Feather

I spied Spider-Man in his espadrilles, he was on the esplanade

I was eager to enquire about his latest escapade.

He said: "I'll catch you at the cafe, once I've conquered the arcade.

Take a table on the terrace, mine's a lime and lemonade."

We spoke of past and present, and the life that we had planned

Then set about our sandwiches, to the sound of a brass band

There was a flimsy feather floating, guided by an unseen hand.

Fluttering forlornly, it fell forgotten on the sand.

As we mused upon this metaphor, we both went misty-eyed

There was no need to say a word, no need for whens or whys.

We polished off our puddings and said a sad goodbye, 

Had a hug, then hurried home and got on with our lives.

Games Without Frontiers

Make money in London or solve a crime?
Why not do them both at the same time?
Choose which token you want to be
And let’s all play Cluenopoly!

Professor Plum walks down the Strand
Is that a dagger I see in his hand?
He’d go to jail if it was up to me
It’s fun to play Cluenopoly.

Do I always get £200
Every time I pass the lounge?
I’ve won a beauty contest in the conservatory
It’s confusing, this Cluenopoly.

I don’t know whodunnit, I admit I’m at a loss
Was that Mrs Peacock that I saw at King’s Cross?
Is it Rev. Green, top hat, Electric company?
Nope, I haven’t won Cluenopoly.

Don’t roll the dice, there’s some money I’m owed
I own the Billiard Room, Miss Scarlett and the Old Kent Road
That cash will stave off bankruptcy
I’ve still got a chance in Cluenopoly.

I understand the game has got its quirks
But could the killer really be the Water Works?
It seems a little bit odd to me
Are you sure you know the rules to Cluenopoly?

How are you allowed to take out a loan
To build a railway from the kitchen to Marylebone?
I don’t care if it’s called HS3
I hope you’re not cheating at Cluenopoly?

Hold on a minute, it’s definitely not right
You’ve built two houses on Mrs White
I've got free parking down the hidden stairs
A rope’s been arrested in Leicester Square
There must be something that we can watch on tv
Anything but play Cluenopoly!