Monday 26 August 2024

Twice

The alleyway behind the shop had suffered a flood
I was tiptoeing through water and dodging mud

Ten yards away or maybe less than that
Across the pathway shot a rat!

On the way home, before the next lot of rain
I could not believe my eyes, I saw a rat again!

So I've got a question and I'll keep it concise
Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

Oh, they were so much bigger than mice
Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

I only went to buy some basmati rice
Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

Perhaps I'll have to ask Citizen's Advice
Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

Friday 23 February 2024

Terrible Lizard

I was asked to think about big predators
Things like sharks and alligators
But then I turned to dinosaurs
And top of all the carnivores
Without doubt - the tyrannosaurs

Then a thought popped into my head
Which probably should remain unsaid...

How did the T-Rex
Manage to have sex?

Did these residents of Jurassic Park
Wait until it had got dark?

And should we consider the features 
of the mating rituals of these creatures?

I can't see the T-Rex 
Going in for nibbling necks
So did they find the charms 
Of each other's tiny arms?
(Surely they'd get in a muddle 
going in for a cuddle)

At 40 feet long and eight tons in weight
How on earth did they mate?
Which position
Would have brought their efforts to fruition?

There are enough fossils to show,
They must have given it a good go

What was the question again?
I've lost my thread.
Oh yes, predators - alive or dead

Number one - tyrannosaur 
then underneath...
Great white shark
Because of the teeth

Friday 9 February 2024

The End of the Pier

That place over there
Socks are required
They don't mind about age
Or the wealth you've acquired
Whether you're young
Or if you're retired
There's only one rule
And that's socks are required

There's no outlawed design
They can be thick or thin
As for the length
Where to begin?
Just cover your ankles
Or halfway up the shin
But you can't be barefooted
If you want to get in

And now you are there
Are you feeling inspired?
Was it something you hoped for?
All you desired?
You might never know
That I stopped and enquired
I'm just glad you remembered
Socks are required

Monday 22 January 2024

The Story So Far

Early excitement
Small squad proves predictable
'Beamish Line' beckons

(Haiku about Swindon Town in the 2023/24 season)

Thursday 12 October 2023

Remembering That Time (An answer song)

(An answer to Regina Spektor's song That Time. You should really listen to it.)

Whatever did you do with that human tooth you found down on Delancey?
I won't forget the time we kissed anywhere except the mouth
I thought your favourite colours were always pink and green
I remember your fad of only eating tangerines
What were you thinking?
Tangerines!

I remember the time you'd only read Shakespeare. Even Titus Andronicus.
And that time you only read the backs of cereal boxes. Just what is riboflavin?
I try to forget about you and that pigeon with the broken wing
It seemed the whole block was watching as you buried bits of it in that children's playground
We had to leave the next week
I can't believe you weren't sick

I remember something about you wanting to stand for parliament
I thought there was a time when you only wanted to live in Marlborough
Wasn't there a time when you had an obsession with camels?
I remember when you were broke and bummed off our friends
You were broke a lot back then
We lost quite a few of our friends
Bum...

I don't remember the time when I OD'ed
I don't wanna remember the time I OD'ed for the second time
I heard you shouting from the waiting room
I didn't know you thought you could read my mind
Is that why you got clean?
Is that why you left me? 

Tuesday 10 October 2023

Thank You for the Roses

'Slow down' they say
'Take time out,
Stop and smell the roses'

But it seems to me 
that only works
for people with functioning noses


Saturday 29 July 2023

If at First

I entered the Japanese Cheese Contest
And was thrilled to finish third
I might have done even better
If I'd been gentler with the curd.

I thought my massive marrow
Would win the 'Biggest Vegetable' prize
But some of the other entries
Were four, five or six times the size.

Then at the Marmalade Festival
The judges tried to be kind
But I knew as well as they did
Something was wrong with the rind.

I trained my shetland sheepdog
to win the agility class
I thought we were going to do it
Until I slipped and fell on my face

It was at the Spoken Word gala
When my poem won the cup!
(Can we keep it our little secret
That nobody else turned up?)