Twice

The alleyway behind the shop had suffered a flood

I was tiptoeing through water and dodging mud

Ten yards away or maybe less than that

Across the pathway shot a rat!

On the way home, before the next lot of rain

I could not believe my eyes, I saw a rat again!

So I've got a question and I'll keep it concise

Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

Oh, they were so much bigger than mice

Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

I only went to buy some basmati rice

Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

Perhaps I'll have to ask Citizen's Advice

Did I see two rats or the same rat twice?

Handmade

There's a mystery object in our town

It's causing quite a to-do

Even the experts are baffled

We've only got one clue...

Handmade

It was handmade

A friend of a friend knew a man whose boss 

said he found it at a disused arcade

The owner of the crystal shop 

said that she was convinced 

that it must have belonged to a mermaid - and washed up on the promenade

Handmade

It was handmade

Was it from a ritual for the people of the Everglades

Or something you 'd be wearing if invited to a masquerade?

A retired colonel told me 

that he thought it might be weapons grade

Someone was so terrified they hid behind a barricade

Handmade

It was handmade

Is it a support for when you have a broken shoulder blade?

Although there is the possibility it was once used by a dairymaid

I remember something like it 

from when I used to go to church parade

(I don't tell everyone I meet but I was in the Boys Brigade)

Handmade

It was handmade

If we find out what it is we'll have to organise a cavalcade

And if there's any money left we'll all have toast and marmalade!

Terrible Lizard

I was asked to think about big predators

Things like sharks and alligators

But then I turned to dinosaurs

And top of all the carnivores

Without doubt - the tyrannosaurs

Then a thought popped into my head

Which probably should remain unsaid...

How did the T-Rex

Manage to have sex?

Did these residents of Jurassic Park

Wait until it had got dark?

And should we consider the features 

of the mating rituals of these creatures?

I can't see the T-Rex 

Going in for nibbling necks

So did they find the charms 

Of each other's tiny arms?

(Surely they'd get in a muddle 

going in for a cuddle)

At 40 feet long and eight tons in weight

How on earth did they mate?

Which position

Would have brought their efforts to fruition?

There are enough fossils to show,

They must have given it a good go

What was the question again?

I've lost my thread.

Oh yes, predators - alive or dead

Number one - tyrannosaur 

then underneath...

Great white shark

Because of the teeth

The End of the Pier

That place over there

Socks are required

They don't mind about age

Or the wealth you've acquired

Whether you're young

Or if you're retired

There's only one rule

And that's socks are required

There's no outlawed design

They can be thick or thin

As for the length

Where to begin?

Just cover your ankles

Or halfway up the shin

But you can't be barefooted

If you want to get in

And now you are there

Are you feeling inspired?

Was it something you hoped for?

All you desired?

You might never know

That I stopped and enquired

I'm just glad you remembered

Socks are required

The Story So Far

Early excitement

Small squad proves predictable

'Beamish Line' beckons

(Haiku about Swindon Town in the 2023/24 season)

Breakfast of Champions

Cornflakes or some porridge oats

A pot of tea, a slice of toast

It's the meal that matters most

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Continental choice from your hotel

Cold meat, cheese and fruit as well

I'll slip a pastry in my pocket then I'll say farewell

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Blend fruit and veg for a thick green drink

It keeps me fit and it helps me think

(Although I do pour most of it down the sink)

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

A fry up - king of all cuisines

Sausage, egg, bacon, beans

You get them at all good canteens

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

I woke from a dream within a dream

To a cup of coffee and a Krispy Kreme

It's stops me running out of steam

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Left over takeaway might be nice

Half a curry or a pizza slice

Remind me - what's the rule on reheating rice?

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Nothing for me thanks - I'm trying to lose weight

Perhaps a quick vape if I'm running late

Ooh - a cling-filmed cake on a paper plate!

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Poem for Guy

I buy vinyl records and know a lot about wine

I'm quite high up in graphic design

I last missed Glasto in 2009

I'm a soulful kind of guy

I don't mind saying hello to strangers

I've been to the football at Queens Park Rangers

I go skiing but respect the dangers

I'm a thoughtful kind of guy

I've got a tattoo up half my arm

I took my niece to a city farm

I saw a man punch a goose so I raised the alarm

I'm a helpful kind of guy

I sometimes have my lunch alfresco

I donate money to UNESCO

I bought some kale but I left it in Tesco

I'm a fashionable kind of guy

Sadly, not much of that is true

Those are some things I'd like to do

I'm just not as brave as you

I'm a fretful kind of guy

But I no longer want to hide

I just need someone by my side

Are you the one who'll be my guide?

I'm a hopeful kind of guy