Breakfast of Champions

Cornflakes or some porridge oats

A pot of tea, a slice of toast

It's the meal that matters most

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Continental choice from your hotel

Cold meat, cheese and fruit as well

I'll slip a pastry in my pocket then I'll say farewell

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Blend fruit and veg for a thick green drink

It keeps me fit and it helps me think

(Although I do pour most of it down the sink)

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

A fry up - king of all cuisines

Bacon, egg, sausage, beans

You find them at all good canteens

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

I woke from a dream within a dream

To a cup of coffee and a Krispy Kreme

It's stops me running out of steam

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Left over takeaway might be nice

Last night's curry or a pizza slice

Remind me - what's the rule on reheating rice?

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Nothing for me thanks - I'm trying to lose weight

Perhaps a quick vape if I'm running late

Ooh - a cling-filmed cake on a paper plate!

It's my breakfast

I'm a champion.

Poem for Guy

I buy vinyl records and know a lot about wine

I'm quite high up in graphic design

I last missed Glasto in 2009

I'm a soulful kind of guy

I don't mind saying hello to strangers

I've been to the football at Queens Park Rangers

I go skiing but respect the dangers

I'm a thoughtful kind of guy

I've got a tattoo up half my arm

I took my niece to a city farm

I saw a man punch a goose so I raised the alarm

I'm a helpful kind of guy

I sometimes have my lunch alfresco

I donate money to UNESCO

I bought some kale but I left it in Tesco

I'm a fashionable kind of guy

Sadly, not much of that is true

Those are some things I'd like to do

I'm just not as brave as you

I'm a fretful kind of guy

But I no longer want to hide

I just need someone by my side

Are you the one who'll be my guide?

I'm a hopeful kind of guy

Remembering That Time (An answer song)

(An answer to Regina Spektor's song That Time. You should really listen to it.)

Whatever did you do with that human tooth you found down on Delancey?

I won't forget the time we kissed anywhere except the mouth

I thought your favourite colours were always pink and green

I remember your fad of only eating tangerines

What were you thinking?

Tangerines!

I remember the time you'd only read Shakespeare. Even Titus Andronicus.

And that time you only read the backs of cereal boxes. Just what is riboflavin?

I try to forget about you and that pigeon with the broken wing

It seemed the whole block was watching as you buried bits of it in that children's playground

We had to leave the next week

I can't believe you weren't sick

I remember something about you wanting to stand for parliament

I thought there was a time when you only wanted to live in Marlborough

Wasn't there a time when you had an obsession with camels?

I remember when you were broke and bummed off our friends

You were broke a lot back then

We lost quite a few of our friends

Bum...

I don't remember the time when I OD'ed

I don't wanna remember the time I OD'ed for the second time

I heard you shouting from the waiting room

I didn't know you thought you could read my mind

Is that why you got clean?

Is that why you left me? 

Thank You for the Roses

'Slow down' they say

'Take time out,

Stop and smell the roses'

But it seems to me 

that only works

for people with functioning noses

If at First

I entered the Japanese Cheese Contest

And was thrilled to finish third

I might have done even better

If I'd been gentler with the curd.

I thought my massive marrow

Would win the 'Biggest Vegetable' prize

But some of the other entries

Were four, five or six times the size.

Then at the Marmalade Festival

The judges tried to be kind

But I knew as well as they did

Something was wrong with the rind.

I trained my shetland sheepdog

to win the agility class

I thought we were going to do it

Until I slipped and fell on my face

It was at the Spoken Word gala

When my poem won the cup!

(Can we keep it our little secret

That nobody else turned up?)

Birthday poem for someone called Neil

Happy birthday Neil

Do you like the colour teal?

You’d look good in it I feel 

On your birthday

What presents do you have Neil?

A carbon fibre wheel?

Perhaps a glockenspiel

For your birthday

What have you got planned Neil?

Going for a meal?

I hope the gravy won’t congeal

On your birthday

Perhaps you’ve gone away Neil

To Kent, maybe to Deal

Or further south, to Lille

For your birthday

Or a cosy day at home Neil

You could watch 'Ally McBeal'

Or the old 'Sapphire and Steel'

On your birthday

I think that’s enough Neil

I expect you’re tired of all this guff Neil

You just do your stuff Neil

It’s your birthday!

This is not The Treachery of Images

This is not a pipe

This is not a drill

This is not a love song

This is not America

This is not a VAT receipt

This is not happening

This is not what I expected

This is the day

This is pop.

(Found poem with painting titles, song titles and other things starting with 'this is not' and 'this is'. If I stumble across any more they'll be added in.)